Dear Sharilin,

so I'm here with only a few weeks left to graduate. Exactly seven days after that, me and Michelle are going to Adore in Virginia!! aahh I hope and pray that we will see you there. Maybe, if it be God's Will...

Tonight, I was thinking about the talks we would have on the phone. You went through so much and you did it with a smile on your face out of love for God. You know, you are my hero for that.

Sharilin, I miss these certain two people so much. And without them I feel so alone and I don't know why. My heart always shatters when I think about them, and I know thats not good. I keep trying to remember how you dealt with things. You suffered yes, but the more you suffered the more you loved God. Please help me do the same.

I know you obviously cant read this, and I know you can't verbally hear me, but in the depths of my heart I know you can hear the prayers that I send up to God. 

Dear God, please help me to trust in Your Will.

amen.

2/28/07

"I must decrease and He must increase."

Love, prayer and perseverance are the keys...

YAY for inspiration!

can't stop

won't stop

fight my way

back into

the world inside

the very core of me

that made me believe

I can be more

I can succeed

in all God wants me

to be.

So can't stop

won't stop

maybe I just need a hand to hold

or a shoulder or a sleeve

...

with meaning and power

I haven't been on this thing in ages.

but I figured right now is a good time to write something with meaning and power (lol) something so memorable because it is something so painful.

A huge portion of life is changing.

People, friends who have touched my life forever are now leaving and I don't know when I am going to see them again.

They are off to Dover, DE to discern the religious life. and I am going to miss them terribly. :(

It's funny when I think about other people's views of a happy fulfilling life. They always say the same things "I want to live a long life and be happy." "I want to live comfortably."  This sounds like they wouldn't want to handle any pain than right? I mean, who really does "want" to suffer? 

I have been with the Lambs of Christ Community in Moreno Valley for the past 8 1/2 months now, and in the mean time I have found brothers and sisters who's love with last for a lifetime, new perspectives on life and a youth group of my own, H.O.L.Y. , Heart of Life Youth which is in Ontario CA at a beautiful parish named Guasti. Not to mention I have grown in love with two people. The Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary will reign in my heart until I can be with them one day in Heaven.                           I have had the best times and the most incredible experiencing since I decided to begin living my life in a new way. And that is striving for holiness. I always thought "holy people" were like saints and stuff, extraordinary individuals who gave up their lives for God, but these people only existed in the past. I never knew there were actual living saints here in California, but I guess you can't see the beauty of God when you are blinded by everything else in this world, by sin. The first time I met Sr. Mae, she kind of surprised me, then made me smile with her very friendly nature and warm heart. Ann was with introducing herself along with Mae and I couldn't help noticing something radiate from their pleasant smiles. What is it? I wondered. As that first retreat of mine continued on, I didnt know it then but I was changed. God saved my life that day, and He probably saved me many times before that but I never acknowledged Him. Now all I do is thank and praise God for accepting me back again and again.

Through it all, I notice that I grow the most spiritually when I am suffering, when I surrender everything I have to God and say "okay! take me, I'm all Yours! just take my heart!" Yes, of course, it's hard, yes of course I cry (because I'm just so emo like that) but deep down in my soul I only pray harder because I believe that when we suffer the most AND IF WE UNITE OUR SUFFERINGS WITH CHRIST we can obtain the graces to make us stronger and to make us that much closer to His bleeding Sacred Heart burning with so much love for us!

I will never forget this year, the year I realized how beautiful and precious a human life is. Because God gave us the chance to draw more souls to Him. We can be victimsouls for Him, just like He was a victimsoul for us!

Goodbye my wonderful friends, when I say goodbye tonight all I am going to see are future saints, saints of this new millenium. And my heart will swell with sadness, love, and awe, because I'll feel so grateful to have known people like you.

Whoever reads this even if you don't believe in God, please pray for Ann, Ali, Alexis, John Paul, Neil, Faith, and my brother Glenn. Also pray for Sr. Sharilin, Sr. Mae and all the postulants, and consecrated religious in Dover.

Nothing has made me more happy to be alive,

then this heartache,

GodBless

JMJ+

gnos evol

say it backwards,

maybe it will make more sense to me.

whisper it loudly

and maybe I will see

what is this thing... called a million names.

What is this force that makes so many sad days

and only a few happy pictures

on sunny days.

I take a step back just to look at the scene

and remember that if it doesnt make sense

then it is probably right, it is most likely true

this thing called love.

Is only between me and you.

so say it backwards,

scream it blue

then maybe I won't be afraid...

to fall in love

with

you.